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I Haven't Decided If I Want To Live : A Not So Internal Monologue.

I was born, yet, I don't remember asking to be born. I don't even recall somebody taking my opinion over it. I don't know if it was possible to for me to have an opinion before existing. Regardless, Life, was given to me.

Life for me, is like a grey, concrete corporate office where one fine day, I woke up with the suit, the tie, the shoes and everything. I don't seem to recall how I got here but I am at the ground floor and there is no way out. Everyone around me seem to be running late for something. Everybody is busy. They all just need to get one floor above. Yet, nobody knows exactly why.

Now that I have something that I don't know if I wanted in the first place, what do I do with it? I don't know what's it for. The people who gave it to me don't seem to know it either. Neither does anybody else. But almost all of them demands, I should do something good with it.

Good? What's good anyway? Most of the people think a good life is a rich life. Everybody seems to be running around for some piece of paper. Sometimes, a lot of pieces of paper. That has always confused me. I don't see Jeff Bezos stopping and saying, "I've earned enough. I don't need more." Jeff is still earning. Money never seems to be enough. I think most of the people who run after money, are fighting a battle they've already lost. Unless you're rich. Because rich people seem to make everything cool.

But money is required for survival, right? Hmm. I don't know. I am working on it. But I guess, our definition of survival keeps changing. First, it's just food. Then, food and shelter. Then food, shelter and clothing. Next thing you know you survival involves an A.C., WiFi and a Netflix account.

Some people go for faith. I am not sure if I want to believe in an omniscient entity who's existence is solely based on my belief. That's like thinking of a cake and believing that cake actually exists. Not just exist, it's the one true cake there is and all the other cake people have lost their way. They need to be taught to believe in my cake. If one person does it, it's delusion. If a whole community does it, it's religion.

A spiritual life. A balanced life. A life with a lot of sex. A life where you have power. A life that helps others. A life that helps your parents. A life that can touch the life of other people and make it better. So many definitions of a good life. Like I could just pick any and go with it or make up my own.

But why does everybody assumes I would want to keep the gift of life? shouldn't there be a checkbox to tick? Life was given to me for free. Nobody seems to know its value. It is supposed to be invaluable - which is a nicer way to say that its value will change according to the situation.

So I've got something that I didn't ask for. I don't know what it should be used for. And it'll eventually be taken away from me (death).

Do I want to return it? I don't know.
I don't have any preconceived notions about death. But from what I've seen, people don't want to be separated from life. That gives me FOMO. I have no love for life. I just fear pain and misery. May be people know something that I don't. May be they're just winging it because others are winging it. But I guess I'll keep my life for now. Death is unknown realm.

I have decided that I am not going to return it (voluntarily). But does that mean I have to use it? I mean, I have to live? I could just sit in one place, eat something if it's given to me and wait for my death.

But what about emotions, feelings and desire? Emotions are there for some reason. May be to help us exist. Feeling them in different ways is interesting. I'd like to feel them all (4000 and counting). Desires are what keeps the life going. Telling us what our next destination in life is.

So, feelings + desires = interesting journeys

May be the use of our life is to keep fulfilling our desires, so that we keep feeling different emotions, until we die. Sort of a message that says - "Take, here's an interesting toy. Use your imagination to play with it. You can do anything with it, until it's taken from you."

What if I choose, not to play? I don't think it matters, but also, I don't have a choice. I am here, I feel things. That means I've already started playing. To not play, would be to stop feeling. That's tough. Also, I like feeling things.

What do you know, may be everyone knows what to do with their life. They're just not sure if their choice is the right one. What's right and wrong anyway?

I do want to live then. What do I desire? experiences, freedom and love.